The tricky thing in determining how to best win back your spouse is that the right answer is different depending on some important questions and variables. The right thing to do in one relationship can actually be the wrong thing to do in a different relationship. Determining the best path forward for your situation is critical. The first consideration in determining the right next step is what to do if the trust has been broken in the relationship.
1) Is There Broken Trust in the Relationship?
The first important question is, “Have one of you broken trust in the relationship”? When broken trust has occurred it creates an injury to the attachment in your relationship that must be addressed and healed. Broken trust includes things like emotional affairs, porn, physical affairs, addictions, or failing to make good on promises to stop behaviors that are negatively impacting your spouse. If your spouse has broken trust, click here for principles on healing the hurt that has occurred. If you have broken trust, click here for principles on what you need to do to heal your marriage.
2) What Role Do You Play in the Relationship?
The second important question requires a bit of self assessment on the roles you play in your relationship. In most relationships, one person is “The Pursuer” and the other is “The Withdrawer”. Couples can get into a negative cycle where the Pursuer wants to fix things by talking about it, but the Withdrawer feels uncomfortable with the way things are going and pulls away. The more the Pursuer pushes, the more the Withdrawer pulls away and the more the Withdrawer pulls away, the more the Pursuer pushes … and on and on it goes … leaving both parties feeling frustrated and alone. Read each of the following descriptions to determine which role you play and how that impacts what you should do next.
Are You a Withdrawer?
The Withdrawer, on the other hand, often perceives their partner’s pursuit as something they would prefer to avoid. The Withdrawer tells themselves that nothing good comes from these moments. In fact, they view these talks as leaving them in a worse place relationally. The Withdrawer typically does not like conflict and tends to prefer logic over emotion. The Withdrawer would prefer to focus on the positive and ultimately wants peace. If you think you might be the Withdrawer or are not sure which you are, click here for how to win your spouse back.
Did You Used to be a Pursuer?
The third category is a person who used to Pursue but has grown tired of trying to connect with their partner only to have their efforts fall short. When this happens, the Pursuer becomes burnt out over time and starts to interact in the relationship like a Withdrawer. Sometimes when this happens, the Withdrawer starts to Pursue more, but not always.
Are You a Pursuer?
The Pursuer is the one in the relationship who is more likely to seek their partner out when things are off in the relationship with a desire to talk about it. The Pursuer is typically better at communicating emotions. They often have a lot of emotions. At the heart of the Pursuer’s attempts to repair or talk about the relationship is a desire to connect.
If you think you might be the Pursuer, click here for how to win your spouse back.